lexieonline

I skipped class today. I skipped class today because there is a tornado in my room and a rats nest in my car. There are empty Starbucks cups stacking my nightstand and my contacts haven’t been changed in weeks. I have watched the same cup of tea change colors in my room for the past few weeks and clothes pile up on my floor, too. Sometimes life can really get you down. To the point where you lose motivation for anything and everything and you stop caring for yourself and forget about the whole “self-love” and “self-care” thing that people stress to you when you are sad… 

I am a very organized and clean person. I have made my bed every single day since I can remember, my car usually is very neat and tidy, same with my closet and all of the drawers in my room. I knew it was starting to get bad when my roommates and friends started to notice how it looked like a tornado had come through my room and destroyed everything. Or when they would get in my car and I looked at them like, “Yeah I know its a mess…” but they just laughed because they knew what I was going through and they didn’t care it was messy because they knew it was completely out of character for me and not like me at all to have a pile of clothes in my backseat, empty water bottles everywhere, and just junk filling the floorboards of my car. 

But I knew I wasn’t ok and I knew this was unlike me. And to be quite honest, I didn’t really care. I had no motivation to care. I was and still am sad. To the point where even going to therapy twice a week in person and through Zoom isn’t enough for me to start caring for myself. But it is enough for me to realize that I need to… So that is a start. 

Dealing with grief and loss is hard and everyone deals with it and processes it differently. When I am sad or if something happens that I cannot wrap my head around, I don’t even know how to react. I physically don’t and emotionally cannot comprehend it. I think that is when the loss of motivation comes in to place and the act of not caring. Who cares that a tornado came through my room. Who cares that I haven’t brushed my hair in a week. Who cares that I haven’t showered in two days. Who cares that I have slept in the same pair of contacts for over a month. Who cares that I have lost weight? Who cares that I haven’t changed clothes in 48 hours or more. Or less? I don’t even know at this point. Anyways… When I get like this, I stop caring about myself and distract myself by becoming very busy to the point where I do not have time to care about my environment or myself at all. 

Wake up at 6:30am—> Go to gym—> Go to work for 5 hours—> Mayyyybee eat something? —> Go to class —> Go to meetings —> Come back home to my tornado room after the day is coming to an end —> Go to bed—> Repeat.

No time for showering, no time for self care. And I don’t care. Because I am busy, I don’t have time to sit in my thoughts and be upset and get emotional, so I prefer it this way. I prefer a tornado in my room and a rats nest in my car. It is easier this way while I am sad. Maybe as time passes by, the tornado will be gone when my lease ends and my car will be cleaned when I have the time to do so or if it gets to the point where I cannot stand it anymore. But for now, this is ok and I know it isn’t ok. 

Long story short, and back to the fifth sentence of this blog post, sometimes life can REALLY get you down! It can throw you out of character and it can mess up your whole week or even your whole month. Nothing can seem to help how you feel about things, and that is what seems to be the hardest part about difficult times. 

There will be days where a tornado comes and destroys your room and stays for months and days that you can only hope and pray you will make it to the end of the week without failing school assignments. I guess it is all a learning experience, after all. But we cannot forget to take care of ourselves in the midst of difficult times!!! And yes, maybe I am being a hypocrite by saying that because I am not listening to my own advice here, but I am beginning to. 

Things will not begin to look up and get better for you mentally if your surroundings are not clean and organized. What are tornados? Scary. Do you want to really come home to a dirty room? No! Do you want to drive around in a rats nest of a car? I don’t either, but I have been. You have to be strong enough to realize that even though things are tough right now in this very moment, you will get through it and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Clean your room, clean your car, wash your face, take a shower. I am working on this and so can you. I know it is hard, believe me. I know you don’t have the motivation to do any of this and I don’t either. I know you don’t care or don’t want to do any of this. I don’t care and don’t want to do it either, but you will feel better about things if you at least try to. And sometimes in life, all we can do is try.

Loss is hard. Change is hard. There is nothing in life that is harder than losing a person that you love. Don’t let a tornado come in your room. If the tornado does come in your room, don’t let it stay for too long. Skip class and get rid of the tornado. School is temporary and sometimes a mental health day is more important than going to a stupid 3 hour zoom class. I am honestly so sick of zoom classes. Mental health is important. Go to therapy. Even if you have to go twice a week, do what is necessary for you. No one is judging you. Things will get better and deep down you know that! Keep your head up and just know that your friends are here for you. They love you and are your backbone in these times. Lean on them and keep your head up! We got this!